New Year – Same Me – Same Shit I learned last year that I keep pretending I didnt… Blah

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

One of the hardest things to do as an adult is to face a new year and wonder if you will trip over the same stones you did the previous year.

No new me in 2019. I very much like the current me. It’s a great version of me! (albeit 60lbs heavier than I should be) But I like to think of it as some life lessons I’m still carrying with me that I haven’t quite found the place to set down just yet.

I stopped making resolutions in 2018. I did that because 2017 was a bit of an awakening for me. I went through my own personal Renaissance. I enlightened the shit out of myself.

I did something that most people never want to do.

I admitted that a majority of my problems are my fault.
I admitted that when someone may have done something against me, my choice of reactions and path becomes ultimately my choosing. and If I don’t like the outcome – that would be my own fault.
I admitted that choosing to lay blame in someone else and then forever falling victim to the pain that causes again is my own fault. I handed the power of my happiness over to someone who did me wrong.

As a child – there is very little control over the wrongs an adult commits. A child has to float with the tide of it all, fight the fights that these wrongs create in their small worlds. Then bare the emotional, mental, and spiritual battle wounds it creates.

That child is then expected to grow up and be functional. See the world the way other adults see it. Some adults who don’t wear the scars of a childhood left unprotected.

Now don’t get me wrong – There is such a thing as being so beaten down that you just function differently. That there is so much resentment and anger that it takes permanent structure in your life. You end up wiring your brain to accept that as part of your function.

But then you age and try to figure out why it has to be this way.  There’s a tiny voice that says – It doesn’t. Its faint enough for you to consider it. It makes you strong enough to decide to start a new journey. A long journey. A difficult journey. The Journey to find your center. In that center is your Zen and the voice. That Zen holds the healing power of 100 gods. But, it will be the hardest journey you will ever travel.

It will be worth it. Grab a hand of the strongest figure in your life. Say no sorries for the version of you they may witness during your journey and fight the good fight. Go get your Zen.

Healing is the most painful thing you will do. Don’t shy away from it. Embrace it and run to it.

Happy New Year Friends.

~Written from the center of my Zen.

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